Family Dynamics, Part 4: The Chameleon

Thus, we come to the last member of our family dynamics series; namely, the Chameleon. The Chameleon is so named because they fit no mold, can change their colors on a dime, and are not as easily categorized or understood as the other personality types. This is because their very personality seems to change with each season of their lives. They are paradoxes who easily confuse their families, and themselves, with routine regularity.

The Chameleon is often, but not always, the baby of the family. Many times they are also an only child, or think of themselves as an only child. Is there a difference? Yes.

Let’s examine the Chameleon who is the child born later in life to her parents, with older siblings who are already well entrenched into the dynamics of the family. This baby is a Susie-come-lately, so to speak. Most often, the older siblings think of the baby as “spoiled rotten” and many times they are correct in their assessment. The parents are pros by this time and have learned not to sweat the little stuff. Consequently, our Chameleon gets away with things that her older siblings would never have been allowed to. The parents have matured and mellowed since their earlier child rearing days, and the Chameleon is often told by her siblings that she has different parents than the ones they had while growing up. This is said with envy.

This Chameleon feels like an only child, although technically she is not. She does not grow up alongside siblings, so lives most of her time at home as an only child. Thus, the Chameleon has many attributes of the only child. These are exhibited in numerous ways.

The first is in being somewhat self-centered. She can be an egoist, who is very surprised to learn in later years that the world really does not revolve around her. It takes the love and patience of her God, combined with the maturity of adulthood, to convince her that it’s really not all about her after all.

She also tends to be an overachiever, intent on trying to prove something….she could not say exactly what, if anyone bothered to notice or ask her for an explanation. While she may have been coddled during her childhood, with the inconsistency that parents sometimes exhibit (human beings that they are), they also expect more of the Chameleon than they did her older siblings. This is because they consider themselves wiser and better parents than they were in their younger days. By golly, they’re going to get it right this time! Consequently, this Susie-come-lately is held to a higher standard. She feels the pressure of their unspoken (and spoken) expectations. Her parents divorce. She begins to develop an insecurity. The need to control something, anything about her life intensifies and eventually becomes deep rooted and a part of her. OCD starts to kick in. A deep and abiding sense of her own inadequacy leads the naturally outgoing, uninhibited Impulsive towards an almost debilitating shyness during childhood. When she fails to measure up, as was inevitable, she feels rejected by those whom she was trying the hardest to please. She learns never, ever to color outside the lines!

As childhood races towards adolescence, this striving to be accepted by her siblings and to please her parents makes her an above-average student during her school years. However, while she makes good grades, she doesn’t truly excel because the learning of self-discipline is slow to develop. This is because she also wants instant gratification and has that Impulsive nature and short attention span. She can be flashy in her youth, and has many of the attributes of the true and undiluted Impulsive during this time of her life. Few who know her during these years would suspect that she has any depth at all. It bothers her that her best friend considers her an “air-head”, but not enough to obsess too much over it. Simultaneously, it also amuses her that she can pull off the role! Her social life is paramount. She flies through her youth with little thought, little planning, but with much laughter and spontaneity. She seldom applies herself. The shyness of her childhood is forgotten. It’s the time of life when her Impulsive, undisciplined nature reigns supreme. Even though OCD takes a hiatus, she still feels the need to be in control. During these years, it would surprise most people to learn that (hidden deep down) she is still very insecure and lonely. She doesn’t think her siblings like her too much, and she yearns for a “normal” life with parents and brothers and sisters all in the same household. She wishes her parents hadn’t divorced, and worries that she was responsible for it. She feels different. She doesn’t want to be different. She still feels the pressure of her parents expectations of her.

As she crashes headlong into adulthood, she is still trying to secretly control every situation. She discovers that it’s time to grow up and be an adult. The rules are now different. She reacts in true, Chameleon-type behavior and adapts and changes once again! She hides her true self so deeply that most people are deceived. She even deceives herself and doesn’t have a clue as to where she fits in the world. Life becomes all about pleasing everyone around her so that she will be loved and accepted. She learns to hide the more outlandish and extroverted parts of her nature. She has been told that this part of her intimidates people. Blending in is now the goal. In learning to control the Impulsive side of herself and become responsible, although she will not realize it until years later, she finally begins to learn self-discipline.

As adulthood marches on, the Chameleon begins to mature and loses much of her insecurities and fears. This is due entirely to her God, who loves her unconditionally and never gives up on her. He invites her to bring her wounds to Him, and He heals her. He teaches her to run towards her fears rather than away from them, and she becomes confident….not in herself, but in Him and His power to enable her to do absolutely anything He asks her to. She becomes a productive member of society, raises a family, is faithful to her husband, and seldom (if ever) does anything anyone would consider spontaneous or unpredictable.  She learns to be responsible, efficient (OCD has its benefits, after all), organized, and methodical. She goes back to college and becomes the obsessed student she never was the first time around. She discovers, to her own amazement, that she has become somewhat of a micro-manager.

Then it happens. Just as she was settling in and getting comfortable with predictability, another season of her life begins. It’s one she can’t delude herself into thinking she can control. In the midst of the insecurity of the unknown, God is there. It’s something that He has been trying to teach her all her life. He is in control, and it’s okay for her not to be! She is learning after a lifetime of lessons that she can trust Him.

She wakes up one day to realize that life is really a lot of fun! Hats are cool and colorful, and purses that match (or not) are wonderful. The Lord is the great romance of her life, and aren’t all these beautiful flowers He created (just for His Bride) awesome? The most interesting and diverse things totally capture her attention and enrapture her. Street signs in New York. A sunset. The ocean. Rainbows and waterfalls. She spends an hour examining a lizard and wondering how it fits in its skin; one chameleon examining another, so to speak. The association is not lost on her. She surmises that you can’t explain how a chameleon fits into its skin. It’s a miracle! She loves to do outrageous things that totally surprise people, and why has she suppressed that part of herself for so long?

Her Impulsiveness can no longer be contained, as her God teaches her to be free and content with who He made her to be. She has to please no one but Him, and He says He is pleased with her! Amazing. Her sister points out to her that she is becoming eccentric. Her husband tells her he never knows what she’s going to do next. Both are laughing when they say it.

Can a micro-manager with marked OCD tendencies and an Impulsive occupy the same space? Yes, both are the opposite sides of the same Chameleon! Only God Himself can enable them to dwell together in unity.

---